yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
