so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
