oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
