she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize