textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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