If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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