if you like me you must not know who I am
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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