I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
