why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
