WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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