No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
