Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There r osticjed everywhere
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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