Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize