Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
