mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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