While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
