You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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