Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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