Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
