just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
