good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
be right there i have to get my cape
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
