I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize