I faked an abortion last night.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize