If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
