You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
