did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The power of my boobs compel you
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
