So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
