I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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