This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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