On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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