Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
