And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
