Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Vodka?
Forever.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
