Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
