dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
