i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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