We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
