Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
