I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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