Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
