proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
