This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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