when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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