I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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