why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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