You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
