It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
