I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
