Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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