Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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