not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
