did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
