Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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