I wish I could teleport
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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