I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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