Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
